You Cannot Abscond from Love
by Chiddie
Summary: Brittana in SBURB
1. Chapter 1

Be Brittany S. Pierce.

You are Brittany S. Pierce. You like fondue, crayons, dancing, and pussies, in both senses of the word. Your weapon of choice is… nothing really. You use anything you can get your hands on. Although you prefer using a rubber duck with a stick on its belly. It doubles as a squeaky mallet. You absolutely love it.

Currently, you're in a fellow player's planet (you can recognize some of the statues jutting out from the black marble ground from your history book) and you're looking for the aforementioned player, who is probably a girl.

You lean against the top half of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and put on your glasses.

You have 20-20 vision, but your glasses are sort of like computer monitors, which you almost always use to chat with fellow players.

It's pretty cool.

- celesticGaminesque [CG] began pestering tenebrousAutodidact [TA] -

CG: i think im here now :3

TA: are there a lot of weird-ass statues/breadsticks, or are you near a river of nyquil?

CG: nyquil :? im leaning on the leaning tower of pisa :D

TA: really? i can see it from here. you see the statue of the reclining buddha?

CG: the fat chinese man-god :?

TA: no. buddha was called siddharta gautama, and he was believed to be really skinny, in fact. he came from india. i think you're talking about an actual chinese god, probably the god of fortune or lu

TA: sorry. i'm sort of a history-nazi.

CG: :C its okay im just really stupid about these things

TA: don't say that; a lot of people mix those two up; i don't really know how it started

TA: anyway

TA: here's how it looks like

TA: /wp-content/uploads/2008/04/reclining_

TA: and here

TA:

CG: i see it C:

CG: its pretty nearby. i can finally see you 3

TA: you better get your ass here soon, girly. surrounded by at least three dozen imps.

CG: :O

CG: you got it :D

- celesticGaminesque [CG] ceased pestering tenebrousAutodidact [TA] -

You take off your glasses and place them back in your captcha deck. You take out your ducky mallet. You know, in case you need it.

You run towards the statue; it looks exactly like what TA showed you, except that the lower half of its body is embedded into the ground, and that what's above is covered in a writhing mass of what you assume are imps.

You hope she's okay.

You run towards the partially-buried statue, and, as you approach, you feel slightly less worried. You see imps with varying levels of mutilation flying through the air.

She must be pretty damn good at fighting.

Still, they outnumber her by a lot. Everyone can use a little help.

You practically glide as you ambush a couple of marble imps.

They don't call you the Maid of Breath for nothing.

Your ducky mallet squeaks as you obliterate the opposing imps.

"Nice hammer."

You look for the source of those words.

When you were chatting with TA, you were expecting someone with, you know, freckles, braces, oversized glasses, unfashionable clothes, etc.

You definitely weren't expecting some sort of sex goddess, especially a Latina with beautifully dishevelled hair and a face that could make angels weep out of envy, nor were you expecting the self-confessed history Nazi to be wearing a tank top and shorts that showed off her toned _everything_.

Curse mainstream media and its stereotypes.

Well, at least you were right about the oversized glasses.

"Look out!"

You might have been staring. Maybe. If it wasn't for TA, your head would have been bitten off by what you assume was a steel imp.

Ouch.

You feel embarrassed.

You turn around and pluck what she just ninja-threw at it—a pair of scissors—out of the underling's eye and throw it back to her.

"You're pretty good at scissoring," you blurt out.

You wish another imp would try to kill you and _succeed_ this time because, jegus, that sounded so wrong.

She has a look of amusement on her face, but you think you see—you _hope _you see—a tinge of red on her cheeks; maybe she's embarrassed as well. Maybe, right now, she's flushed because she can totally see the two of you scissoring cause, you know, you're hot and she's hot and—

Gog. You just met her. And she's probably straight.

Suddenly, an imp saves you and tries to bite of TA's head this time. You front flip—not because you need to, but because you have to show her that you're actually really badass most of the time—and you knock out three stone imps in one fell swoop.

TA follows your lead, and in no time at all the reclining buddha's imp-free. Your chest heaves up and down, and you focus on returning your breathing rate to normal instead of how the sweat makes TA's tank top cling to her torso.

"You're CG?" she asks, and her voice is breathy and you don't know what to do with yourself anymore.

"Ye-yeah. My real name's Brittany though. Brittany S. Pierce. Not to be confused with Britney Spears. I'm more talented than her, and way hotter."

It seemed so much less conceited in your head.

She laughs, and you mentally breathe a sigh of relief.

"I'm Santana. Lopez. And I have no witty remark to add to this so you win. "


	2. Chapter 2

Be Santana Lopez.

You are Santana Lopez. You like breadsticks, looking hot, and Wikipedia, because it contains information on the most obscure things and you can literally stay on the site for hours reading anything from Sacagawea to Norse mythology. Your strife specibus is scissorkind, because scissors are sharp and pointy, and they are also a metaphor for lesbian sex, or something like that.

EDIT: You may or may not be starting to like blue-eyed blondes with the ability to obliterate an entire army using a rubber duck.

"I'm Santana. Lopez. And I have no witty remark to add to this so you win," you say.

Usually, words come to you easily. You've been known to compliment or insult people with references so obscure they don't even know what you're talking about.

But this girl—you don't know how; is it her athletic body, the way she talks, her eyes? Or is it all of the above and everything else she's got? Either way, she makes thinking extremely hard.

Which is funny, since you're the Witch of Mind and everything.

The only thing you can think of right now is the way her super-blue eyes roamed over your bare legs. Thank gog Dave convinced you to cosplay as that videogame chick whose name you can't even remember right now before you played SBURB, otherwise you'd be in your Powerpuff Girls PJs dying from embarrassment instead of finding out that you might actually have a chance with the most attractive girl you've ever seen.

Speaking of Dave, you think you should contact your best lesbro sooner or later because you have no idea what to do right now besides flounder at Brittany's feet.

"Good. I like winning," she smiles, and you feel it taking your breath away because, gogdamnit, she's literally perfect.

"So, do you know where the portal is?"

You shake your head, and she grins.

"We can find it together then."

She jumps off the Buddha head and runs towards the east. You shake your head as you regain your ability to think and you follow after her.

You remember her scissoring comment and the blush she sported afterwards and you're pretty sure you have a chance.

But it's better not to mess it up.

You take out your laptop and log into Pesterchum.

- tenebrousAutodidact [TA] began pestering compunctTitan [CT]-

TA: karofsky, i need your help.

CT: thought u cud handl dem imps by yourself lopez

TA: i can hand them their asses twice over dave. it's not that.

TA: you ever talk with celesticgaminesque?

CT: once or twice

CT: why

CT: oh shit did u meet her

CT: shes smoking isnt she

TA: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss

TA: what do i do?

CT: nevr thought you;d have trouble wit the ladies lopez

CT: even tho ur almost a bigger nerd than evans

TA: that's the guy whose ass you admired when you met him right

TA: oops i'm sorry i mean whose pants you were determining

CT: shut up

TA: gay gay gay gay gay

CT: look whos talking

CT: do u wnt my help or not

TA: no

CT: okay

- compunctTitan [CT] ceased pestering tenebrousAutodidact [TA] -

TA: jegus! i was kidding!

- compunctTitan [CT] began pestering tenebrousAutodidact [TA] -

CT: :P

CT: okay wheres the smking lady

You look up, and you realize that the lady in question's way ahead of you.

She notices that you're lagging behind, and starts to run back, but you gesture for her to stay where she is.

TA: fuck gotta run

TA: when i come back i am expecting an elaborate plan to help me not embarrass myself ok

- tenebrousAutodidact [TA] ceased pestering compunctTitan [CT] -

You pack your laptop and place it back in your sylladex before running after Brittany.

"Who were you talking to?" she asks when you stop at her side

"A guy. Dave. He's probably in the planet after this."

The two of you start walking, which is good, because you're hungry and you're pretty sure you saw a forest in this direction.

"Oh. So are you two toge—"

"He's gay."

Fuck. Karofsky's going to kill you.

"And he's my lesbro."

Okay, it's the moment of truth.

Brittany slows down, and faces her.

"You're gay?"

You nod, and she grins.

"Cool. I'm a unicorn too."


	3. Chapter 3

Be Dave Karofsky.

What the hell man? I'm sorry, Karofsky's a totally cool guy, but don't you want to see what happens between the ladies?

Fine, fine.

Be Brittany Pierce.

You're Brittany Pierce, and you'd pretty much slap yourself if you weren't in front of this really hot girl you've been chatting with semi-anonymously since yesterday.

You told her you were both unicorns.

Gog damn it.

People never get you, so they just jump to the conclusion that you're stupid. Usually, you're okay with this (people give more leeway to those who they think don't know better you know; you can get away with almost anything) but you really don't want to mess up your chances with this girl.

Hell, even when you haven't seen her yet, you thought she was nice and cool and smart and you thought out a lot before typing down whatever you wanted to say.

Now that you have (dayum), you want to play your cards straight.

Hehehe.

Straight.

Wait. Okay. How do you remedy this?

"Well, technically, I'm a bicorn."

NO!

saldmklamdklmklasmdkldamsdak mdakslmdlkas

/headdesk headdesk headdesk

You see her smile, and your heart rises and sinks at the same time, because first of all she's not running away from you or looking at you with disdain, and she just looks really, really pretty when she smiles, but at the same time you think that maybe she thinks you're stupid and she's smiling at you with amusement, or pity, or some other thing which you can't name because gah

"Just—just forget I said that," you say lamely.

She does this cute thing with her face like she's asking you why she should with her heavenly facial features.

"No, no, I totes gets. You're bisexual and I'm a lesbian, and that's a pretty cool way of putting it. Unicorns are awesome."

You breathe a sigh of relief and your heart dances in circles because hahaha she gets it like what even?

Nobody has before, and the first time someone does, it's this girl, who's super smart and sexy and pretty and nice and you don't know what you're feelings are doing anymore.

You look up, and you notice she's staring at you (!). She catches you catching her staring and she blinks her eyes.

"It's just," she starts out, flustered. You made her flustered. You.

"It's just that besides being two-horned a bicorn also eats up good husbands and I was wondering if you did that too..."

Gog, that is so cute and adorbz, and dskjfnskdjfn how can she be hot and sexy and cute and adorbz at the same time?! Totally unfair.

She cringes, and you're pretty sure that's how you look like when you mentally slap a palm to your face.

Ehrmegad she cares about what you think of her.

"...actually," she starts out slowly, "I was imagining you in a bicorne hat, like what Napoleon wore. You'd look...cute."

You're pretty sure that's a blush on her face right now, and you want to scream, because not only do you have a chance with her, you have a pretty good one, and you have to restrain yourself from initiating sloppy makeouts.

"You'd look cute too," you reciprocate, and she totally would. You could just imagine her in a hat and uniform (unf) riding a majestically white unicorn, leading a thousand Lord Tubbingtons into battle and...

Wow, okay, you're hungry. Deliriously hungry even.

"You don't have any food on you, do you?" you ask, before you start hallucinating.

"No. I do know a place though."

"Here?"

You're skeptical, because the only things you've seen here are buried statues and dark marble and black skies.

"Yeah. You have a ride? Skateboard, bike, roller skates?"

"Actually, I do. Why?"

"We'd have to walk pretty far otherwise."

"Coolio."

You take out your tablet (your fetch modus is Pictionary), and doodle a motorbike. It materializes in front of you and Santana. You start walking towards it when you notice that Santana looks apprehensive. You almost laugh, because you just saw her take out a dozen imps with a pair of scissors, and she's scared of riding a motorbike?

"Don't worry," you say, "it isn't as scary as it seems."

"I'm not scared," she scoffs, and a corner of your mouth goes up.

"Then come on then," you reply, getting on the bike.

You wait a couple of moment before you the bike shifts, and you feel arms wrapped around your waist.

Gog.

You hope she doesn't notice your heart beat faster, or that unintentional gulp you did when she pressed herself close to you.

"Just go straight ahead," she says. "Now turn this damn thing on."

You do as she tells you too, and soon the two of you are travelling towards that place with food.

Being hungry and hormonal isn't a good mix, you decide.

"Where are we going, exactly?"

"A forest. Made of bread. I saw it from the Buddha head, and I passed by one earlier, so I'm pretty sure it's edible."

"Hmmmm."

The marble underneath is smoother than what you're used to. You skid a little, and Santana tightens her hold around you, buries her face in your hair, and even does this tiny squeak, and gog she really shouldn't be doing that because you need all the focus you can get, but she's so gogdamn cute and focus Brittany, focus.

"Maybe we should walk," she says, her voice muffled.

"I just need to get a feel for this; trust me."

You expect her to argue back, but instead she just shifts a little, and somehow holds you closer.

"I do."


End file.
